Today a friend and I were discussing modern movies and how weird some of the special effects can be as compared to films from our childhoods (We are both over age 70!). Somehow our discussion moved from films we have seen with weird special effects to life and reality and how sometimes what we may think is real--really isn't. At that point, I happened to remember my own personal voyages into unreality or--to put it in "shrink terms"--derealization. And then it occurred to me that I have not gone on one of those peculiar voyages recently. Wow! I must be healing!
What is meant by derealization? Here is an explanation of the term that comes the closest to my experience: During the experience of derealization, the perception of reality feels distorted and there is a sense of being detached from the outside world. It can feel like living in a dream. (http://www.anxietysecrets.com/depersonalization-and-derealization.html) Yes, the explanation above fits my experience, and I'm so glad I don't seem to have those experiences anymore!
Actually, during the times I had a problem with derealization, I named the experience my "Alice in Wonderland" experience, for I felt much like Alice must have felt after she had drunk from the bottles labeled "Drink Me." In fact, I often wonder if Lewis Carroll had a problem with PTSD or had some other problem that led him to experience derealization. He described the experience so accurately!
Another way of conceptualizing derealization is to think of it as the experience of entering one of those tents at a carnival or circus where there are many mirrors, each one distorting one's image differently. For example, the first mirror you may encounter may make you look wide, but the next mirror may make you look pencil-slim; another mirror may cause your image to be two inches tall, and another may cause your image to appear eight feet tall. Which mirror tells the truth? None of them! Each mirror tells a lie. How confusing is that!!??
Only when one climbs out of the rabbit hole or leaves the hall of mirrors can one regain a perspective that comes close to what we call everyday reality. Having said this, I can say that I have reached a point in my healing where I see the outside world consistently most of the time; I don't experience the times anymore when I have to struggle with derealization. My world seems the same, predictable, most of the time. Perhaps the following example will help you understand how derealization can be difficult to live with:
One day a year or so ago I left my apartment to go to my therapy appointment. So far, very ordinary. I caught my bus and rode to the transfer point. The closer I got to the transfer point, the odder I felt, but I simply forced my mind to focus on what I knew was the here and now of reality. When I reached the place where I had to leave the first bus and catch another bus, forcing my mind to focus was becoming a struggle, but I was determined to keep the ground beneath my feet and get to my therapist's office without incident.
As I waited for the next bus, the world outside me began appearing more and more distorted, and when the bus finally arrived, I had to fight internally to get onto it. You see, the bus should have appeared to me as a rectangular shape having 90-degree angles, but instead of a rectangle, the bus was a parallelogram, a four-sided figure with parallel lines but not having 90-degree angles. I can't tell you what anything else looked like because I seemed to have tunnel vision at the time. I managed to figure out where the steps would be and got into the bus and sat down heavily, hoping nobody noticed that I was having a problem knowing where to put my feet. Nobody did notice, thank goodness.
As the bus traveled the few blocks to my next stop, I regained my perception, and the feeling of unreality faded. I was so glad to arrive at my therapist's office and to wait in her peaceful waiting room! By the time I saw her, my mind was fairly clear, and I told her about the experience. She appeared interested but not surprised.
According to numerous other sites I've found describing this condition, derealization is often connected to panic or anxiety states and can be the result of stress. I am not qualified to address the underlying possible causes of derealization, but I can certainly address my own experience of the condition.
In my experience, the harm that episodes of derealization do is to cause the sufferer to question his or her mental competency. Thus, if you have C-PTSD and experience derealization, be assured that your experience most likely "goes with the territory," but get help before your faith in yourself plunges any further. If you get help, chances are good that your episodes of derealization will become history. One day you will realize, as I did, that the outside world has looked consistently the same for a long time. A life without derealization can be boring, but it certainly feels a lot safer than the alternative! And may the following ancient Scottish saying help you stay on your healing path:
Who farthest away e'er did roam
Heard the sweetest music on returning home.
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