Dear Readers,
Following is a link to an excellent article on EMDR: http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/16/expert-answers-on-e-m-d-r/. The content of this article is the transcription of an interview with the woman, Dr. Francine Shapiro, who developed EMDR in the first place and who has devoted much of her life to researching the effects of the therapy and refining the methodology.
I have experienced the relief that comes with EMDR, and I know the therapy does what it is supposed to do--reduce the emotional content of the trauma experience while at the same time allowing the memory of the traumatic incident to remain intact. I can remember the incidents now without experiencing the horrible emotions I had associated with the memories. Unfortunately, my experience with EMDR has not been consistent because I have had to change therapists so often, and I'm hoping to do more extensive EMDR work with my present therapist so as to reduce the emotional impact of the remaining trauma material.
Hang in there! Put one foot in front of the other, and you will get there! Jean
Friday, February 22, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
For Crying Out Loud!
Today I looked at my blog stats and found that somebody had typed "Complex PTSD and I don't cry in front . . . " as a search term. I can only imagine that if the term had been completed on my stats page, it might have said, ". . . I don't cry in front of anyone." I'd like to address this term as best I can. It's important!
Anyone who has been through the long-term abuses that underlie Complex PTSD has plenty to cry about! The problem is that a lot of us who suffer from the disorder were taught not to cry. And for many of us, the training began when we were babies and toddlers. Is it any wonder that we can't cry now? We learned our lesson so well!
For those of us who had authoritarian parents of the Hitler era, the 1930s and 1940s, teaching the child not to cry or show other natural emotions was a normal part of parenting. Those parents had generally been taught not to cry or to show anger, so it was natural that the children of those parents be taught the same lessons.
When I was about eleven I was going through my mother's cedar chest where she stored a lot of belongings that she no longer used but could not bear to throw away--baby clothes, keepsakes from loved ones who had died, locks of hair from long-dead relatives, and so forth. Among these relics I found a "how to" manual on child raising published by the U.S. government in the late 1930s. I remember being impressed by a photo of a little girl with a splint on her arm. Did she have a broken arm? No, but she sucked her thumb! The splint was suggested to prevent her from reaching her mouth with her thumb.
Among other mandates to parents, the book advised parents of the necessity for breaking the child's will and letting the baby or child know that the parents are the boss. Parents were told to let the baby cry between feedings and to never, ever pick the baby up until it was time to feed it. Picking up a baby between feedings, according to the booklet, spoiled the baby and let him or her rule the roost. Thus, no matter why the baby cried, be it from gas pains or from some other discomfort, the baby was doomed to suffer for the entire four hours between feedings. Most babies of these authoritarian parents probably learned that no matter how badly they hurt, crying was not going to bring comfort.
Later, after the baby grew to be a toddler, the no-crying rule was actively reinforced. Have you ever heard a parent shout, "Shut up or I'll give you something that will really make you cry!"? That message would be enough to intimidate most small children, especially those who had continued crying and had been beaten as a result. My parents were a bit more "civilized." Rather than beat me for crying, they jeered at me and laughed. Then they told me to go get a milk bottle and fill it with my tears. By the time I was five, I no longer cried.
Oh, I did forget my lesson once. When I was about 23, I cried at my dad's funeral. My mother poked me in the side and whispered, "Jeanie, stop crying. You're making a spectacle of yourself." Neither she nor my brother cried. I certainly flunked that test! But for the most part, I remembered my lesson. I didn't cry at age four when I was forced to pose nude for my parents' friends, nor did I cry at age five when the neighbor woman sexually abused me, nor did I cry when boys caught me on the way home from school and shoved sticks up me, nor did I cry as a result of being sexually assaulted on a regular basis by my former husband during my long marriage. So, overall, I'd say the lesson my parents taught me "stuck."
To the person who entered the search term "Complex PTSD and I don't cry in front . . ., " then, all I can say is that I understand the pain and frustration underlying your search. You are not alone. Plenty of us who have C-PTSD are unable to cry. Crying is a normal and natural response to pain. How can we unlearn the lessons we were taught and learned so well? I'm not really sure; however, I suspect that those of us who are healing from C-PTSD will be able to cry when the time comes. At least, that's what I believe. When will the time come? I don't know. I just trust that it will come.
Here's a Scottish saying that helps me stay on the path: The tree doesn't always fall at the first stroke. Remembering this saying and the other bits of Scottish wisdom I have accumulated helps me continue putting one foot in front of the other and keeps me truckin' along. May it also help you! Peace . . .
Anyone who has been through the long-term abuses that underlie Complex PTSD has plenty to cry about! The problem is that a lot of us who suffer from the disorder were taught not to cry. And for many of us, the training began when we were babies and toddlers. Is it any wonder that we can't cry now? We learned our lesson so well!
For those of us who had authoritarian parents of the Hitler era, the 1930s and 1940s, teaching the child not to cry or show other natural emotions was a normal part of parenting. Those parents had generally been taught not to cry or to show anger, so it was natural that the children of those parents be taught the same lessons.
When I was about eleven I was going through my mother's cedar chest where she stored a lot of belongings that she no longer used but could not bear to throw away--baby clothes, keepsakes from loved ones who had died, locks of hair from long-dead relatives, and so forth. Among these relics I found a "how to" manual on child raising published by the U.S. government in the late 1930s. I remember being impressed by a photo of a little girl with a splint on her arm. Did she have a broken arm? No, but she sucked her thumb! The splint was suggested to prevent her from reaching her mouth with her thumb.
Among other mandates to parents, the book advised parents of the necessity for breaking the child's will and letting the baby or child know that the parents are the boss. Parents were told to let the baby cry between feedings and to never, ever pick the baby up until it was time to feed it. Picking up a baby between feedings, according to the booklet, spoiled the baby and let him or her rule the roost. Thus, no matter why the baby cried, be it from gas pains or from some other discomfort, the baby was doomed to suffer for the entire four hours between feedings. Most babies of these authoritarian parents probably learned that no matter how badly they hurt, crying was not going to bring comfort.
Later, after the baby grew to be a toddler, the no-crying rule was actively reinforced. Have you ever heard a parent shout, "Shut up or I'll give you something that will really make you cry!"? That message would be enough to intimidate most small children, especially those who had continued crying and had been beaten as a result. My parents were a bit more "civilized." Rather than beat me for crying, they jeered at me and laughed. Then they told me to go get a milk bottle and fill it with my tears. By the time I was five, I no longer cried.
Oh, I did forget my lesson once. When I was about 23, I cried at my dad's funeral. My mother poked me in the side and whispered, "Jeanie, stop crying. You're making a spectacle of yourself." Neither she nor my brother cried. I certainly flunked that test! But for the most part, I remembered my lesson. I didn't cry at age four when I was forced to pose nude for my parents' friends, nor did I cry at age five when the neighbor woman sexually abused me, nor did I cry when boys caught me on the way home from school and shoved sticks up me, nor did I cry as a result of being sexually assaulted on a regular basis by my former husband during my long marriage. So, overall, I'd say the lesson my parents taught me "stuck."
To the person who entered the search term "Complex PTSD and I don't cry in front . . ., " then, all I can say is that I understand the pain and frustration underlying your search. You are not alone. Plenty of us who have C-PTSD are unable to cry. Crying is a normal and natural response to pain. How can we unlearn the lessons we were taught and learned so well? I'm not really sure; however, I suspect that those of us who are healing from C-PTSD will be able to cry when the time comes. At least, that's what I believe. When will the time come? I don't know. I just trust that it will come.
Here's a Scottish saying that helps me stay on the path: The tree doesn't always fall at the first stroke. Remembering this saying and the other bits of Scottish wisdom I have accumulated helps me continue putting one foot in front of the other and keeps me truckin' along. May it also help you! Peace . . .
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Two Topics Suggested by You, My Readers
Today when I checked the list of search terms that have drawn readers to my blog, I found two that I feel need to be addressed right now: 1. Complex PTSD and addiction; 2. Complex PTSD and lifelong abuse. I am not a mental health professional, so I have asked several clinical psychologists for information regarding topic #1. Regarding topic #2, I can speak to that topic from my own experience and from general information gathered during my own journey toward healing.
Topic #1: Complex PTSD and addiction
I must assume here that the person who typed this search term into his or her computer wanted information on what can be done to facilitate healing for somebody who has a substance addiction combined with C-PTSD. Because I do not have the above dual diagnosis, I asked a couple of psychologists about this. Here is the information I received:
There seem to be two ways of dealing with this dual condition. One way is to say that the addiction must be treated before tackling the C-PTSD, the reason given being that the addiction may interfere with the therapeutic process used to treat the C-PTSD.
The professionals holding the other view seem to believe that the addiction and the C-PTSD should be treated concurrently because the two problems are intertwined to the point of being inseparable. This is all the information I have on the topic, but here are some links that may help if you want more information:
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/ptsd101/course-modules/SUD.asp
http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?sectionID=5
http://www.outofthefog.net/Search.html?sa=Search+Out+of+the+FOG&cx=013931066222856585801%3A54yeted2nfo&cof=FORID%3A9&ie=UTF-8&q=c-ptsd+and+substance+abuse&siteurl=outofthefog.net%2FDisorders%2FCPTSD.html&ref=www.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26frm%3D1%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D4%26sqi%3D2%26ved%3D0CFkQFjAD%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Foutofthefog.net%252FDisorders%252FCPTSD.html%26ei%3De28RUfSHEOaZiALguYHgDA%26usg%3DAFQjCNGgfmHINRBB9Q0tl9vHEM3XBILl7g%26sig2%3Deqh-n9cRGDqmbDUh0JZbRw&ss=6584j3890372j26
In addition to the above links, you may need to do more searching until you find the information you want. Also, you may find more information and find it sooner if you simply visit a local mental health clinic and ask questions. Sorry I can't be more helpful on this, but my best wishes go with you if you are trying to find help.
You CAN heal if you have this dual problem--remember that! Finding a competent, skilled therapist with whom you are comfortable is the number one priority! You may need to interview a lot of therapists before you choose one, but take the time to do this. I lost a lot of time in my own work because I let myself be intimidated by incompetent therapists. Your therapist will become an extremely important person in your life if you are trying to heal your C-PTSD and simultaneously kick an addiction, so take your time in choosing him or her. If you are a woman who is emerging from an abusive marriage and you have been repeatedly victimized, you need to be especially careful that you do not let yourself be bullied by a therapist. It can happen! I know because it happened to me. Don't let it happen to you! More on this topic coming to this blog soon!
Topic #2: Complex PTSD and lifelong abuse:
If you have been reading my blog entries and/or my website www.jfairgrieve.com, you know something about my story. I'm almost 74 years old, and for the first 40 of those years, I was a victim of abuse--child abuse first, followed by spousal abuse. Yes, often people who have been abused as children marry an abuser. In a few of my blog entries, I have recounted how I ended the victimizing of my children and also my own victimization by my former husband. You will also find information on this topic on my website listed above.
I can only assume that the searcher who typed "complex PTSD and lifelong abuse" into the search engine was looking for help or for information that would give him or her an idea as to where to begin the process of looking for help. Or maybe the person was trying to find out what the future might hold for a victim of lifelong abuse.
I'll address the concerns above simply by saying that complex PTSD resulting from lifelong abuse can be healed! I'm doing it! Granted, my life of abuse ended in 1981 when I reported my former husband for child abuse and ended my marriage. Some thirty years have gone by since then, thirty years in which I have not been abused and in which I marked time, trying to find a therapist who could pick up from where I stopped therapy with an excellent therapist in 1983. That therapist retired, and it took me from 1983 until I found my present therapist in 2010 to find a practitioner with whom I felt comfortable and who had the skills I needed to resume the healing process.
Keep in mind that I did not spend the entire intervening thirty years trying to heal from C-PTSD. After I finished raising my daughter, I went to school and then taught in a community college. Healing my C-PTSD was not at the top of my list of things to do. In fact, I did not even know I HAD the disorder called C-PTSD during that time. I did, however, have symptoms that bothered me and made my life more difficult than it needed to be. Those symptoms were the usual symptoms of C-PTSD as listed on my website and which may be familiar to you. I saw something like 14 therapists during those years, and only one of them knew what my underlying problem was and was truly qualified to help me. Unfortunately, he left the area shortly after I began seeing him. Most of the other therapists wanted to help me and were very nice people; a couple, however, were the "therapists from hell," and at times I vowed never to step into a therapist's office again. However, I persevered, and I'm glad I did, for now I've been working with a person who truly is competent in treating trauma victims and with whom I'm comfortable. As you know if you have been reading my posts, I'm healing.
So to the person who typed "complex PTSD and lifelong abuse" into the search engine, I say, "Hang in there! Find a competent therapist you like, a therapist who knows how to help trauma victims, and start your journey toward healing." Now is the time to begin! Don't wait! The sooner you begin, the more life you will have left after you have begun to heal.
Remember these words of wisdom from our old friend Anonymous:
Anything unattempted remains impossible.
Topic #1: Complex PTSD and addiction
I must assume here that the person who typed this search term into his or her computer wanted information on what can be done to facilitate healing for somebody who has a substance addiction combined with C-PTSD. Because I do not have the above dual diagnosis, I asked a couple of psychologists about this. Here is the information I received:
There seem to be two ways of dealing with this dual condition. One way is to say that the addiction must be treated before tackling the C-PTSD, the reason given being that the addiction may interfere with the therapeutic process used to treat the C-PTSD.
The professionals holding the other view seem to believe that the addiction and the C-PTSD should be treated concurrently because the two problems are intertwined to the point of being inseparable. This is all the information I have on the topic, but here are some links that may help if you want more information:
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/ptsd101/course-modules/SUD.asp
http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?sectionID=5
http://www.outofthefog.net/Search.html?sa=Search+Out+of+the+FOG&cx=013931066222856585801%3A54yeted2nfo&cof=FORID%3A9&ie=UTF-8&q=c-ptsd+and+substance+abuse&siteurl=outofthefog.net%2FDisorders%2FCPTSD.html&ref=www.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26frm%3D1%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D4%26sqi%3D2%26ved%3D0CFkQFjAD%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Foutofthefog.net%252FDisorders%252FCPTSD.html%26ei%3De28RUfSHEOaZiALguYHgDA%26usg%3DAFQjCNGgfmHINRBB9Q0tl9vHEM3XBILl7g%26sig2%3Deqh-n9cRGDqmbDUh0JZbRw&ss=6584j3890372j26
In addition to the above links, you may need to do more searching until you find the information you want. Also, you may find more information and find it sooner if you simply visit a local mental health clinic and ask questions. Sorry I can't be more helpful on this, but my best wishes go with you if you are trying to find help.
You CAN heal if you have this dual problem--remember that! Finding a competent, skilled therapist with whom you are comfortable is the number one priority! You may need to interview a lot of therapists before you choose one, but take the time to do this. I lost a lot of time in my own work because I let myself be intimidated by incompetent therapists. Your therapist will become an extremely important person in your life if you are trying to heal your C-PTSD and simultaneously kick an addiction, so take your time in choosing him or her. If you are a woman who is emerging from an abusive marriage and you have been repeatedly victimized, you need to be especially careful that you do not let yourself be bullied by a therapist. It can happen! I know because it happened to me. Don't let it happen to you! More on this topic coming to this blog soon!
Topic #2: Complex PTSD and lifelong abuse:
If you have been reading my blog entries and/or my website www.jfairgrieve.com, you know something about my story. I'm almost 74 years old, and for the first 40 of those years, I was a victim of abuse--child abuse first, followed by spousal abuse. Yes, often people who have been abused as children marry an abuser. In a few of my blog entries, I have recounted how I ended the victimizing of my children and also my own victimization by my former husband. You will also find information on this topic on my website listed above.
I can only assume that the searcher who typed "complex PTSD and lifelong abuse" into the search engine was looking for help or for information that would give him or her an idea as to where to begin the process of looking for help. Or maybe the person was trying to find out what the future might hold for a victim of lifelong abuse.
I'll address the concerns above simply by saying that complex PTSD resulting from lifelong abuse can be healed! I'm doing it! Granted, my life of abuse ended in 1981 when I reported my former husband for child abuse and ended my marriage. Some thirty years have gone by since then, thirty years in which I have not been abused and in which I marked time, trying to find a therapist who could pick up from where I stopped therapy with an excellent therapist in 1983. That therapist retired, and it took me from 1983 until I found my present therapist in 2010 to find a practitioner with whom I felt comfortable and who had the skills I needed to resume the healing process.
Keep in mind that I did not spend the entire intervening thirty years trying to heal from C-PTSD. After I finished raising my daughter, I went to school and then taught in a community college. Healing my C-PTSD was not at the top of my list of things to do. In fact, I did not even know I HAD the disorder called C-PTSD during that time. I did, however, have symptoms that bothered me and made my life more difficult than it needed to be. Those symptoms were the usual symptoms of C-PTSD as listed on my website and which may be familiar to you. I saw something like 14 therapists during those years, and only one of them knew what my underlying problem was and was truly qualified to help me. Unfortunately, he left the area shortly after I began seeing him. Most of the other therapists wanted to help me and were very nice people; a couple, however, were the "therapists from hell," and at times I vowed never to step into a therapist's office again. However, I persevered, and I'm glad I did, for now I've been working with a person who truly is competent in treating trauma victims and with whom I'm comfortable. As you know if you have been reading my posts, I'm healing.
So to the person who typed "complex PTSD and lifelong abuse" into the search engine, I say, "Hang in there! Find a competent therapist you like, a therapist who knows how to help trauma victims, and start your journey toward healing." Now is the time to begin! Don't wait! The sooner you begin, the more life you will have left after you have begun to heal.
Remember these words of wisdom from our old friend Anonymous:
Anything unattempted remains impossible.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Derealization OR Another Trip Down the Rabbit Hole?
Today a friend and I were discussing modern movies and how weird some of the special effects can be as compared to films from our childhoods (We are both over age 70!). Somehow our discussion moved from films we have seen with weird special effects to life and reality and how sometimes what we may think is real--really isn't. At that point, I happened to remember my own personal voyages into unreality or--to put it in "shrink terms"--derealization. And then it occurred to me that I have not gone on one of those peculiar voyages recently. Wow! I must be healing!
What is meant by derealization? Here is an explanation of the term that comes the closest to my experience: During the experience of derealization, the perception of reality feels distorted and there is a sense of being detached from the outside world. It can feel like living in a dream. (http://www.anxietysecrets.com/depersonalization-and-derealization.html) Yes, the explanation above fits my experience, and I'm so glad I don't seem to have those experiences anymore!
Actually, during the times I had a problem with derealization, I named the experience my "Alice in Wonderland" experience, for I felt much like Alice must have felt after she had drunk from the bottles labeled "Drink Me." In fact, I often wonder if Lewis Carroll had a problem with PTSD or had some other problem that led him to experience derealization. He described the experience so accurately!
Another way of conceptualizing derealization is to think of it as the experience of entering one of those tents at a carnival or circus where there are many mirrors, each one distorting one's image differently. For example, the first mirror you may encounter may make you look wide, but the next mirror may make you look pencil-slim; another mirror may cause your image to be two inches tall, and another may cause your image to appear eight feet tall. Which mirror tells the truth? None of them! Each mirror tells a lie. How confusing is that!!??
Only when one climbs out of the rabbit hole or leaves the hall of mirrors can one regain a perspective that comes close to what we call everyday reality. Having said this, I can say that I have reached a point in my healing where I see the outside world consistently most of the time; I don't experience the times anymore when I have to struggle with derealization. My world seems the same, predictable, most of the time. Perhaps the following example will help you understand how derealization can be difficult to live with:
One day a year or so ago I left my apartment to go to my therapy appointment. So far, very ordinary. I caught my bus and rode to the transfer point. The closer I got to the transfer point, the odder I felt, but I simply forced my mind to focus on what I knew was the here and now of reality. When I reached the place where I had to leave the first bus and catch another bus, forcing my mind to focus was becoming a struggle, but I was determined to keep the ground beneath my feet and get to my therapist's office without incident.
As I waited for the next bus, the world outside me began appearing more and more distorted, and when the bus finally arrived, I had to fight internally to get onto it. You see, the bus should have appeared to me as a rectangular shape having 90-degree angles, but instead of a rectangle, the bus was a parallelogram, a four-sided figure with parallel lines but not having 90-degree angles. I can't tell you what anything else looked like because I seemed to have tunnel vision at the time. I managed to figure out where the steps would be and got into the bus and sat down heavily, hoping nobody noticed that I was having a problem knowing where to put my feet. Nobody did notice, thank goodness.
As the bus traveled the few blocks to my next stop, I regained my perception, and the feeling of unreality faded. I was so glad to arrive at my therapist's office and to wait in her peaceful waiting room! By the time I saw her, my mind was fairly clear, and I told her about the experience. She appeared interested but not surprised.
According to numerous other sites I've found describing this condition, derealization is often connected to panic or anxiety states and can be the result of stress. I am not qualified to address the underlying possible causes of derealization, but I can certainly address my own experience of the condition.
In my experience, the harm that episodes of derealization do is to cause the sufferer to question his or her mental competency. Thus, if you have C-PTSD and experience derealization, be assured that your experience most likely "goes with the territory," but get help before your faith in yourself plunges any further. If you get help, chances are good that your episodes of derealization will become history. One day you will realize, as I did, that the outside world has looked consistently the same for a long time. A life without derealization can be boring, but it certainly feels a lot safer than the alternative! And may the following ancient Scottish saying help you stay on your healing path:
Who farthest away e'er did roam
Heard the sweetest music on returning home.
What is meant by derealization? Here is an explanation of the term that comes the closest to my experience: During the experience of derealization, the perception of reality feels distorted and there is a sense of being detached from the outside world. It can feel like living in a dream. (http://www.anxietysecrets.com/depersonalization-and-derealization.html) Yes, the explanation above fits my experience, and I'm so glad I don't seem to have those experiences anymore!
Actually, during the times I had a problem with derealization, I named the experience my "Alice in Wonderland" experience, for I felt much like Alice must have felt after she had drunk from the bottles labeled "Drink Me." In fact, I often wonder if Lewis Carroll had a problem with PTSD or had some other problem that led him to experience derealization. He described the experience so accurately!
Another way of conceptualizing derealization is to think of it as the experience of entering one of those tents at a carnival or circus where there are many mirrors, each one distorting one's image differently. For example, the first mirror you may encounter may make you look wide, but the next mirror may make you look pencil-slim; another mirror may cause your image to be two inches tall, and another may cause your image to appear eight feet tall. Which mirror tells the truth? None of them! Each mirror tells a lie. How confusing is that!!??
Only when one climbs out of the rabbit hole or leaves the hall of mirrors can one regain a perspective that comes close to what we call everyday reality. Having said this, I can say that I have reached a point in my healing where I see the outside world consistently most of the time; I don't experience the times anymore when I have to struggle with derealization. My world seems the same, predictable, most of the time. Perhaps the following example will help you understand how derealization can be difficult to live with:
One day a year or so ago I left my apartment to go to my therapy appointment. So far, very ordinary. I caught my bus and rode to the transfer point. The closer I got to the transfer point, the odder I felt, but I simply forced my mind to focus on what I knew was the here and now of reality. When I reached the place where I had to leave the first bus and catch another bus, forcing my mind to focus was becoming a struggle, but I was determined to keep the ground beneath my feet and get to my therapist's office without incident.
As I waited for the next bus, the world outside me began appearing more and more distorted, and when the bus finally arrived, I had to fight internally to get onto it. You see, the bus should have appeared to me as a rectangular shape having 90-degree angles, but instead of a rectangle, the bus was a parallelogram, a four-sided figure with parallel lines but not having 90-degree angles. I can't tell you what anything else looked like because I seemed to have tunnel vision at the time. I managed to figure out where the steps would be and got into the bus and sat down heavily, hoping nobody noticed that I was having a problem knowing where to put my feet. Nobody did notice, thank goodness.
As the bus traveled the few blocks to my next stop, I regained my perception, and the feeling of unreality faded. I was so glad to arrive at my therapist's office and to wait in her peaceful waiting room! By the time I saw her, my mind was fairly clear, and I told her about the experience. She appeared interested but not surprised.
According to numerous other sites I've found describing this condition, derealization is often connected to panic or anxiety states and can be the result of stress. I am not qualified to address the underlying possible causes of derealization, but I can certainly address my own experience of the condition.
In my experience, the harm that episodes of derealization do is to cause the sufferer to question his or her mental competency. Thus, if you have C-PTSD and experience derealization, be assured that your experience most likely "goes with the territory," but get help before your faith in yourself plunges any further. If you get help, chances are good that your episodes of derealization will become history. One day you will realize, as I did, that the outside world has looked consistently the same for a long time. A life without derealization can be boring, but it certainly feels a lot safer than the alternative! And may the following ancient Scottish saying help you stay on your healing path:
Who farthest away e'er did roam
Heard the sweetest music on returning home.
Friday, February 1, 2013
How Do I Know? (Imported from my WP blog 2-1-13)
For a little over a year now, fourteen months, exactly, I have been working hard in therapy. Ego state therapy is the modality I have chosen. There are other modalities that work, too, EMDR being one of them. Eventually, when I’m ready, I will use EMDR, too. For now, I need to finish my work in ego state therapy.
Why am I working so hard and why do I stay with therapy? Because it works! At any rate, it works for me, and therapy has been proven to work for many other people. What do I mean by “it works”? I have evidence! For one thing–and this is extremely important to me–I can finally use public transportation without having a PTSD response when a problematic situation arises. I have no car, so wherever I go, including to my therapy sessions, I must take the bus or the light rail train. Most trips are quiet, meaning that most of the time none of the passengers is obnoxious and loud, engages in angry conversations on a cell phone, or argues loudly with the driver. However, sometimes the ride is not peaceful. Sometimes a passenger will get on who is intoxicated and loud, or sometimes somebody gets on who is determined to pick a fight with the driver or another passenger.
In the past, when these things happened, I automatically dissociated, left my body. Why? Loud, angry voices connected somewhere in my brain to the loud, angry voice I heard during my twenty-year marriage and to the loud, angry voice of my mentally ill father during one of his outbursts. Verbal violence, I call this. This violence assaults my mind, heart, and soul just as beating on me with a whip would assault my body. When somebody shouts or roars at me, I feel the impact throughout my entire nervous system. I learned early in life to leave my body when I heard my father’s rants, and I continued this pattern of dissociating when my former husband threw his violent tantrums. Loud, violent noises of any sort, then, have triggered my PTSD response. But no longer! I said that tentatively and hopefully six months ago, but now, as time passes and I continue my work in therapy, I say it less tentatively and with more certainty.
The other day, for example, I was on the bus, heading to my therapy session, when four people, two men and two women, entered the bus. One of the men looked half asleep and had arms full of needle marks, the other man was talking loudly, and the two women were talking back to him loudly. I was on my guard, afraid there would be trouble. The loud man sat in the seat behind me, and the two women sat across the aisle from me. As the bus headed toward my destination, the talk became more sexually explicit, the man telling the two women how good they looked with no clothing on and how he wanted them to undress him, and the women replying by telling in detail how they would go about obeying him. All this in amplified voices, as if they were intentionally addressing the entire busload of passengers.
Did I dissociate, space out, and leave my body? No, I did not! In the past, I would have “left” when the volume and intensity of the speech ramped up, but not this time! I stayed right there, in my body, and I was pissed! My anger, I realized later, was real and appropriate to the event. I was angry because the rest of the passengers and I were a captive audience to the nasty conversation of those four people. I was angry that the driver did not stop the bus and tell the four people to leave. And I was angry that the two children on the bus had to hear the filthy language. I will admit that I was stunned when I reached my stop, too stunned to think of calling the transit company and reporting the incident, but at least I had stayed in my body, had witnessed the whole incident, and had gotten angry. For me, getting appropriately angry is a big step, a sure sign of progress!
Chances are, if my thinking had not been blocked by my PTSD symptoms when my former husband intimidated me by his raging and loud tantrums, I would have ended my marriage much earlier than I did and would have spared my children and me a lot of abuse and pain. I cannot undo what has been done in the past, but through my work in therapy, I can make sure that part of my history doesn’t repeat itself! Remember: PTSD symptoms can block rational thought. If you have PTSD symptoms, alleviating them may save your life and the lives of those you love!
My website: http://www.jfairgrieve.com/
It’s Saturday, June 11th, and my message for you today is–if you are working in therapy toward reducing your PTSD symptoms–hang in there! Getting the relief is so worth it!
When I began this therapy about a year ago with a person who specializes in helping people suffering from PTSD and other trauma damage, I was doubtful. After all, I’m over seventy years old now, and I’ve been having the symptoms since childhood: how on earth will I be able to do anything about them now?? But I was determined to enjoy a few more years of life without the misery of flashbacks and all the other symptoms of PTSD.
Besides–I was angry! Other people in my life had done the damage to me, so why should I let them continue to abuse me? Granted, these people were no longer in my life, but as long as I let the symptoms damage the quality of my life, I was, in a sense, allowing the perpetrators to continue abusing me. That was my reasoning. Thus, I decided to give therapy one more try, but this time I was going to get help from somebody who truly was skilled and experienced enough to help me. I am SO glad I did this!
Future posts will include more specific evidence that this therapy is helping. For now, I will simply say that it does work for me, and it can work for you, too. If you live in the Portland, Oregon, area, type “PTSD therapy Portland Oregon trauma” or some such string into your search engine. You should get hits that include the names of therapists, clinics, and organizations that will help you find the right therapist with appropriate skills. Send me a comment and let me know how it’s going.
Good luck!
Jean
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When I began this therapy about a year ago with a person who specializes in helping people suffering from PTSD and other trauma damage, I was doubtful. After all, I’m over seventy years old now, and I’ve been having the symptoms since childhood: how on earth will I be able to do anything about them now?? But I was determined to enjoy a few more years of life without the misery of flashbacks and all the other symptoms of PTSD.
Besides–I was angry! Other people in my life had done the damage to me, so why should I let them continue to abuse me? Granted, these people were no longer in my life, but as long as I let the symptoms damage the quality of my life, I was, in a sense, allowing the perpetrators to continue abusing me. That was my reasoning. Thus, I decided to give therapy one more try, but this time I was going to get help from somebody who truly was skilled and experienced enough to help me. I am SO glad I did this!
Future posts will include more specific evidence that this therapy is helping. For now, I will simply say that it does work for me, and it can work for you, too. If you live in the Portland, Oregon, area, type “PTSD therapy Portland Oregon trauma” or some such string into your search engine. You should get hits that include the names of therapists, clinics, and organizations that will help you find the right therapist with appropriate skills. Send me a comment and let me know how it’s going.
Good luck!
Jean
The good news is that it’s possible now to get relief from the flashbacks, numbing, “space-outs,” and all the other symptoms of abuse-caused PTSD. For more information on this topic, please see my website: http://www.jfairgrieve.com/. On my home page there is a link to an article that will describe the symptoms and help you understand more about PTSD and how you can get help to alleviate the symptoms.
On my website I tell about my own experience with PTSD and how I have minimized my symptoms through a modality called ego state therapy. This modality has worked well for me, but there are other types of therapy that also work well. The important thing is to find a therapist who knows how to help trauma victims and people with PTSD. Not all therapists are skilled in that sort of work, so it’s important to be very specific when you look for a therapist.
It’s taken me over twenty years to find a therapist with the skills to help me, but that’s partly because I did not know I needed a therapist with specific training in PTSD and trauma work. You can benefit from my mistakes!
Remember: As long as you spend your days letting the symptoms of PTSD make your life miserable, the person/people who abused you are still, in a sense, abusing you. Stop the effects of the abuse by finding the right therapist so you can get your life back! By working hard in therapy, you can get back in control of your life! At age 72, that’s what I’m doing!
Good luck!
Jean http://www.jfairgrieve.com/
On my website I tell about my own experience with PTSD and how I have minimized my symptoms through a modality called ego state therapy. This modality has worked well for me, but there are other types of therapy that also work well. The important thing is to find a therapist who knows how to help trauma victims and people with PTSD. Not all therapists are skilled in that sort of work, so it’s important to be very specific when you look for a therapist.
It’s taken me over twenty years to find a therapist with the skills to help me, but that’s partly because I did not know I needed a therapist with specific training in PTSD and trauma work. You can benefit from my mistakes!
Remember: As long as you spend your days letting the symptoms of PTSD make your life miserable, the person/people who abused you are still, in a sense, abusing you. Stop the effects of the abuse by finding the right therapist so you can get your life back! By working hard in therapy, you can get back in control of your life! At age 72, that’s what I’m doing!
Good luck!
Jean http://www.jfairgrieve.com/
Too Old For Therapy?
(From my Word Press blog, June, 2011)
I’m seventy-two years old, and lately I’ve been having guilt feelings for being in therapy at this ripe old age. After all, I don’t have more than a decade left on this earth–that is, if I’m lucky enough to live for ten more years. Not much time to pay society back for the benefits I’m reaping from therapy. As I’ve mentioned, my PTSD symptoms are finally abating. I’m feeling a lot more “together” than I have ever felt. Yes, my work in therapy is definitely improving the quality of my life. But is improving the quality of my life worth my insurance’s outlay of money?
That question has been bothering me. So I told my therapist about my question and about my guilt regarding the expenditure of insurance funds for my therapy. What did she say? She said something beautiful, something I hope everyone who is in therapy and who is struggling to break free from the grip of PTSD takes to heart:
Each person who heals and grows adds to the healing and growth of the universe. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Up to the moment of your death, if you are healing and growing, you add positive energy to the universe. Your healing helps everyone.
Her words helped me understand why I am doing this. Of course, my primary goal is to alleviate my PTSD symptoms. In doing that, I improve the quality of my own life. But don’t I at the same time improve the quality of lives around me? For example, if I am mentally present in the moment, am I not better equipped in a crisis to think clearly and, thus, to possibly help somebody than if I were in a PTSD fog? Am I not more responsive to other people and their emotions than if I were caught up in the numbing that comes as a PTSD response?
Looking back on my life, I can see that if I had not been shackled and blinded by PTSD responses, I might well have made major life changes as a wife that would have been beneficial to my son and daughter–and to myself. And to our abuser. I might, for example, have left my husband before his behavior had done so much damage. In fact, if I had gotten help for abuses I’d suffered in my childhood, I might not have married an abuser in the first place! What a thought!
Regretting past inaction is not usually productive, but in this case it serves to remind me that in healing and growing at age seventy-two, I am doing what I need to do and what I ought to do. And I am contributing to the healing of the universe! My hope is that my thoughts, as I publish them on this blog, will contribute to YOUR healing!
May we all contribute to the healing of the universe! Namaste.
www.jfairgrieve.com
I’m seventy-two years old, and lately I’ve been having guilt feelings for being in therapy at this ripe old age. After all, I don’t have more than a decade left on this earth–that is, if I’m lucky enough to live for ten more years. Not much time to pay society back for the benefits I’m reaping from therapy. As I’ve mentioned, my PTSD symptoms are finally abating. I’m feeling a lot more “together” than I have ever felt. Yes, my work in therapy is definitely improving the quality of my life. But is improving the quality of my life worth my insurance’s outlay of money?
That question has been bothering me. So I told my therapist about my question and about my guilt regarding the expenditure of insurance funds for my therapy. What did she say? She said something beautiful, something I hope everyone who is in therapy and who is struggling to break free from the grip of PTSD takes to heart:
Each person who heals and grows adds to the healing and growth of the universe. It doesn’t matter how old you are. Up to the moment of your death, if you are healing and growing, you add positive energy to the universe. Your healing helps everyone.
Her words helped me understand why I am doing this. Of course, my primary goal is to alleviate my PTSD symptoms. In doing that, I improve the quality of my own life. But don’t I at the same time improve the quality of lives around me? For example, if I am mentally present in the moment, am I not better equipped in a crisis to think clearly and, thus, to possibly help somebody than if I were in a PTSD fog? Am I not more responsive to other people and their emotions than if I were caught up in the numbing that comes as a PTSD response?
Looking back on my life, I can see that if I had not been shackled and blinded by PTSD responses, I might well have made major life changes as a wife that would have been beneficial to my son and daughter–and to myself. And to our abuser. I might, for example, have left my husband before his behavior had done so much damage. In fact, if I had gotten help for abuses I’d suffered in my childhood, I might not have married an abuser in the first place! What a thought!
Regretting past inaction is not usually productive, but in this case it serves to remind me that in healing and growing at age seventy-two, I am doing what I need to do and what I ought to do. And I am contributing to the healing of the universe! My hope is that my thoughts, as I publish them on this blog, will contribute to YOUR healing!
May we all contribute to the healing of the universe! Namaste.
www.jfairgrieve.com
Today is June 17th, 2011, and I have been with my present therapist now since April of last year. As you know, if you have been reading the articles on this blog, I have been making good progress in therapy. I can see the end of my present project, relieving my PTSD symptoms through ego state therapy (http://www.clinicalsocialwork.com/egostate.html), but as I noted on my website (www.jfairgrieve.com), I plan to continue in therapy because I never, ever want to slide back into the pit of PTSD again. Because I am the sort of person who does a thorough job of whatever I do, I do not intend to rely on just one approach to do the job in therapy. Of course, I know that my symptoms may not disappear completely, and I can accept that. However, the symptoms will not disrupt my life to the degree that they have done in the past. Of that, I am convinced. How do I know? See my previous post of Tuesday, June 14th.
What’s my next step in therapy? I need to complete ego state therapy, and then I hope to begin EMDR. As I have said, I am not a mental health professional; I am just a writer who is trying to make the last years of her life better by relieving her PTSD. Here is a link that will explain EMDR and give you a list of trained practitioners: http://www.emdr.com/. The information on this site is more complete than anything I could tell you.
Does EMDR work? Officially, according to the above website, it does! Unofficially, according to my personal experience, it does what it is supposed to do. I have had two experiences with EMDR, and both times the painful emotional contents of the events have faded, leaving the memories of the events but taking away the intense emotional distress surrounding the memories. This is what EMDR is supposed to do, so in my nonprofessional opinion, the modality WORKS! However, there are many more traumatic events that I need to work on, so I intend to work as hard in the EMDR phase of therapy as I am in my present phase of therapy. My big regret is that it took me so long to find the therapist I see now. However, I don’t want to spend time regretting; I want to live in the present without the shackles of PTSD symptoms and look forward to the future.
Here is another link within the same site: http://www.emdrnetwork.org/description.html. On this page, you will find a step-by-step description of the EMDR process. In my experience, when I understand something, I am not afraid of it. Perhaps reading this information will demystify EMDR for you and lead you to take that first step toward finding a therapist and freeing yourself from PTSD’s symptoms. I hope this helps you do that!
If you wish to find a clinician in your community who is certified to use EMDR therapy, there is a search engine on the “Find a Clinician” link. To maximize your chances of finding a therapist who is competent in following the EMDR protocol, I would call one of the therapists on this list. If that therapist cannot take you as a client, the therapist may give you names of other qualified people who might see you. Keep at this project and don’t give up! Follow the leads given to you by qualified therapists until you find somebody who can see you and who has been appropriately trained in the use of EMDR.
Would you ask a dentist to operate on your brain? I hope not! Nor should you settle for an untrained therapist to apply EMDR therapy. If you have been abused and are living with PTSD as a result, you deserve the best chance possible for recovery. So find a person who has been trained in EMDR and is listed on the website. Start there and follow leads until you find a therapist who is competent and with whom you feel comfortable. You may have to try a few people until you find the right person for you, but if you find the right help and the right therapist, your efforts will pay off!
Remember: The best revenge is a good life. Find a competent therapist you are comfortable with, somebody you like, and your hard work in therapy will pay off!
What’s my next step in therapy? I need to complete ego state therapy, and then I hope to begin EMDR. As I have said, I am not a mental health professional; I am just a writer who is trying to make the last years of her life better by relieving her PTSD. Here is a link that will explain EMDR and give you a list of trained practitioners: http://www.emdr.com/. The information on this site is more complete than anything I could tell you.
Does EMDR work? Officially, according to the above website, it does! Unofficially, according to my personal experience, it does what it is supposed to do. I have had two experiences with EMDR, and both times the painful emotional contents of the events have faded, leaving the memories of the events but taking away the intense emotional distress surrounding the memories. This is what EMDR is supposed to do, so in my nonprofessional opinion, the modality WORKS! However, there are many more traumatic events that I need to work on, so I intend to work as hard in the EMDR phase of therapy as I am in my present phase of therapy. My big regret is that it took me so long to find the therapist I see now. However, I don’t want to spend time regretting; I want to live in the present without the shackles of PTSD symptoms and look forward to the future.
Here is another link within the same site: http://www.emdrnetwork.org/description.html. On this page, you will find a step-by-step description of the EMDR process. In my experience, when I understand something, I am not afraid of it. Perhaps reading this information will demystify EMDR for you and lead you to take that first step toward finding a therapist and freeing yourself from PTSD’s symptoms. I hope this helps you do that!
If you wish to find a clinician in your community who is certified to use EMDR therapy, there is a search engine on the “Find a Clinician” link. To maximize your chances of finding a therapist who is competent in following the EMDR protocol, I would call one of the therapists on this list. If that therapist cannot take you as a client, the therapist may give you names of other qualified people who might see you. Keep at this project and don’t give up! Follow the leads given to you by qualified therapists until you find somebody who can see you and who has been appropriately trained in the use of EMDR.
Would you ask a dentist to operate on your brain? I hope not! Nor should you settle for an untrained therapist to apply EMDR therapy. If you have been abused and are living with PTSD as a result, you deserve the best chance possible for recovery. So find a person who has been trained in EMDR and is listed on the website. Start there and follow leads until you find a therapist who is competent and with whom you feel comfortable. You may have to try a few people until you find the right person for you, but if you find the right help and the right therapist, your efforts will pay off!
Remember: The best revenge is a good life. Find a competent therapist you are comfortable with, somebody you like, and your hard work in therapy will pay off!
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