The post that has most consistently been at the top of the "hit list" on this blog is a post I wrote about domestic violence--Of Horses and Domestic Violence. Thus, I can only assume that many of my readers want to know more about the dynamics of d.v., how it can be stopped, and how victims can recover.
Because I am not a mental health professional, I cannot give you a researched and authoritative article, but what I CAN do is publish an account of my own experience. I can tell you about the violence in my home, the abuse of my daughter, how I stopped the process, and how my daughter and I began the process of reclaiming our lives.
I will publish this piece in three parts in the next few days.
Frequently, people reach my site by typing a search term such as "complex PTSD and domestic violence" into a search engine. There are several essays about C-PTSD and domestic violence listed in my topic list. Each of those pieces touches on the topic but does not go into the matter of spousal abuse in any great detail because I have not yet been able to write about my experience as a battered wife. Even after 30 years, I have not been able to do that. However, I believe that soon I will. I hope that what I have to say will be helpful to those of you need the information.
A woman in a battering situation, whether the battering be physical or psychological/emotional or a combination of both, is isolated and scared. I was isolated and scared! The abusive spouse sees to it that the victim is isolated and has nobody in which to confide--no close friends, little contact with family, no connection to a spiritual leader such as a trusted pastor or priest. My husband isolated me this way to the greatest extent possible.
Luckily for me, my former husband commuted to another town each day, and I was able, then, to maintain a few connections--my therapist, a dear friend, and a couple of casual friends. However, I did not tell any of these people what was happening in my home because I lacked the courage to do that. Also, I thought that the situation was, somehow, my fault and that I was crazy. I was afraid that if I told anyone, I'd be locked up in a mental health facility. In retrospect, I believe now that my former husband's goal may have been just that, for if I had been removed from our home, he would have had full access to our daughter.
One reason I will publish this long essay is to give you an example of a situation that may be like yours. If you are in a d.v. situation similar to mine, then perhaps when you see that the process can be stopped, that may give you hope for your own future. There are better, much safer ways of stopping the process of domestic violence than the way I chose, however. Please keep that in mind. Not all men will simply dissolve into a puddle of sobs and tears when you let them know that their days of domination and battering are over! My husband became passive and pleaded with me to not report his behavior to the police, and when I picked up the phone to make the call, he did not resist.
I suspect, though, that most batterers would become aggressive and would use force to stop the victim from calling the police. If I had it to do over, I would have taken my daughter and gone to the police station during the day to make the report. Then I would have gone to a safe place and waited until he had been taken into custody and until I knew how my daughter and I could be safe while he was being processed by the authorities. That is what I would do now, knowing what I know now about domestic violence and the perpetrators.
To conclude, I've made mistakes in my life, and I'm not going to bore you by listing them. However, I do hope and pray that when the time comes for you to act to end the violence in your own home, you find a safer way to do this than I did. If you are seeing a therapist and have a good relationship with that person, he or she would be a natural to help you end the violence in your home. If you are not seeing a therapist, then the next best person to help you would be--in my opinion--a social worker or trusted professional who could go with you and support you when you talk to the police. When you read my essay titled "Fallout," you will see why I suggest having support when you see the police. Enough said on that topic!
Here is an interesting quote from J.F. Kennedy, our 35th President, that might help you if you are involved in a domestic violence situation:
“When written in Chinese the word “crisis” is
composed of two characters; one represents danger and the other represents
opportunity.”
If you are now in a domestic violence situation, I pray that the information I am giving you regarding my own experience will help you feel less isolated. You are not alone! Please know that. And please know that a host of people in many places and in many faith traditions are praying for you and your family. I am one of them. Peace . . . Jean
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