Saturday, June 8, 2013

Another Search Term In Urgent Need of a Response Plus Additional Remarks Regarding Patricia Evans' Book

Today when I looked at my stats page, I found that somebody had used the term "can a long verbally abusive relationship . . ."  I'm assuming that the full search term might have been "Can a long verbally abusive relationship lead to Complex PTSD?"  My answer to that question:  A long verbally abusive relationship or a long abusive relationship of any kind often DOES lead to the development of C-PTSD in the victim or victims. 

In an early post on this site, "Complex PTSD: Does it Exist?", I cited both Bessel van der Kolk and Judith Herman, two experts and pioneers in the area of C-PTSD.  Both experts state that prolonged abuse can lead to the development of C-PTSD in the victim.  In addition, in a later post, I reviewed the book titled The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and tied what Ms. Evans said to my own situation to demonstrate the dynamics of long-term spousal abuse. In other words, I used my own situations during my childhood and twenty-year marriage as examples to demonstrate the truth of what the experts reported in their own writing.  To find these posts, use the search engine on my site and type in the titles I've mentioned. 

I do not like the title of Patricia Evans' book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, because I believe it is misleading.  The term "verbally abusive relationship" appears to be unrelated to what I consider to be the concept of highest importance in her book--her description of the "power over" mentality of so many abusers.  She describes this "power over" point of view as that view which sees women or potential victims as objects that exist solely for the use of the person who needs them, the abuser.  In fact, people with this mentality may see everyone as objects to be used for their own gratification/purpose.  As Ms. Evans suggests, in the case of a male who has this view of people, if his wife or girlfriend attempts to "get real" or assert herself,  then the guy becomes abusive in order to "put her in her place."  And so it goes.  You know the end of the story.  If intervention does not take place and if the cycle of violence is not stopped, somebody usually dies. 

In common speech, the term "verbal abuse" normally means that a person has belittled and insulted another person through name-calling and put-downs.  In Ms. Evans' book, however, the term means more than that.  It describes the often subtle sort of verbal manipulation that gradually wears the victim down and causes the victim to give in to the abuser because giving in is easier and less frightening than not giving in.  Thus, the description of the dynamics of verbal abuse in this book is important, but in my opinion, the description of the "power over" mentality is more important because that concept is less often discussed in literature.  People, women in particular, are less apt to be familiar with the "power over" concept and are less apt to be aware of the clues that indicate its presence when they meet a charming male who wants to sweep them off their feet.  It pays to be aware and alert! 

I'm not sure how to differentiate between a person who has the "power over" mentality and a person who is, simply put, a narcissist.  Ms. Evans does not go into that, and since I am not a mental health professional, I will not go into that matter.  For practical purposes, however, I would steer clear of a person with the "power over" mentality to the same degree I would steer clear of a narcissist.  If you do not know the characteristics of a narcissist, be sure to Google the term narcissistic personality disorder and find this information.  Again, it pays to be aware and alert! 

Since turning my husband over to the legal system in 1981 for abusing our daughter, I have been single and have been living on my own.  I have been careful to avoid situations in which I  might be abused, but I have not clearly understood what clues to look for when determining who is "safe" and who is not "safe."  It has been easier, in my case, simply to avoid dating--period.  However, after reading The verbally Abusive Relationship and after learning about the "power over" mentality, I believe that now I have the information I have long needed to make safer decisions regarding potential future dating relationships.  Of course, this is all "theoretical pie in the sky" because I'm 74 years old--too old to venture into the dating scene.  But if I were younger--maybe . . .       

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