Me: The part of me that is, in a sense, a teacher or "organizer."
Jeanie: The little girl part of my psyche, the part that holds my childhood experiences, including trauma experiences. "Jeanie," as I experience "Jeanie," has her own psyche. Contained in this "sub-psyche" are specific childhood trauma experiences, including the one alluded to in this excerpt, the naked photo sessions. The twin girls include the little 4-year-old child I was when my parents invited friends to the house to view me as I was forced to pose naked for a photographer and the little girl's shadow companion, the little gray twin. Before I told my therapist about these sessions, I made this drawing depicting the photo sessions--
The quality of this photo is not good because it was scanned from my drawing, so I will explain: I, as a four-year-old child, am sitting on a table. As you can see from my posture, I am ashamed of my nakedness. My twin, the little gray girl, is sitting beneath the table in the same position of shame and humiliation. I could not see that little girl when I was having my photo taken, but I knew she was there. Her presence was my only comfort. Without her, I might not have survived these photo sessions.
People are observing me on both sides of the table--you can see their hands extended holding drinks. They are also smoking. I remember the cigarette smoke because it stung my eyes, and I remember the sound of people laughing as they enjoyed their drinks. Below is the only photo taken during these sessions which I have kept. It's reminder that this really happened, but it does not reveal much of my nakedness. Compare the forced smile in this photo with the genuine smile in the photo beneath. Both photos were taken of me at the same age but under completely different circumstances.
A minor player who also appears in this excerpt is I.T., Internal Therapist, the ego state who does what I term "lightweight therapy" as I go about my days. This ego state directs my normal daily process of dealing with ordinary and minor puzzling or confusing interpersonal transactions, the sort of events that may result from unclear communication or missed social cues.
Setting: The dining hall of the huge indoor dressage arena on the floor of Jasper Canyon. As the little stream ripples by, day creatures bask on the rocks in the sun, and bees flit from sagebrush to sagebrush. We are aware of the scurrying noises of tiny rodents and rabbits as they search for their next meal. Otherwise, all is peaceful as the sun continues its climb toward late afternoon and early evening.
The ego states dwelling inside the arena are just finishing a hearty afternoon meal. Me is sitting with Jeanie so she can discuss the possibility of Jeanie's spending more time with her beloved horses in the stables of the arena. Jeanie loves the horses and her room in the stable area with its wagonwheel bed, her little rustic pine table, and her closet filled with formal riding outfits, cowboy duds, and fancy dresses, so persuading the little girl to spend more time in the stables is no problem. Let's listen, now, to the conversation . . .