Shadow Girl

Jean, Age Four

Complex PTSD is said to result from prolonged exposure to abuse during childhood or adulthood.  Each of us who has been diagnosed with C-PTSD has a unique story, but the element of prolonged exposure to abuse is a thread that seems to weave through most C-PTSD stories.  In my case, being forced by my parents to pose nude for their friends, one of whom was a professional photographer, was a source of shame and no doubt fed my Complex PTSD.  Unlike other sorts of abuse to which I was subjected, the abuse described in the following short essay did not involve physical or sexual violence.  Nevertheless, this abuse traumatized me, made me feel ashamed, and was as devastating in its own way as violent sexual abuse.

Some years ago, after the death of Jon Benet Ramsey, special programs on television examined the issue of child beauty pageants. I remember watching the little girls parade across the stage, many of them resembling highly sexualized adult models, some looking like street women, hookers, and I cried.  At the time, I did not know why I felt so sad.  A few years later, I knew why I felt sad because I remembered what happened to me when I was ages three, four, and five. 

My experience was probably not abuse as most people think of abuse.  My abuse involved posing nude for my parents' friends as they drank their cocktails and smoked their cigarettes. As long as I cooperated with the photographer and my parents, I was not hit.  Nobody directly abused me sexually or physically during these sessions.  However, being forced to pose naked, my entire body, including my genitals, exposed to the scrutiny of a gathering of my parents' friends, left a mark on my heart, spirit, and mind.

When I began my present therapy, I could not bring myself to talk much about these photo sessions, and my therapist did not ask me to talk about them.  The photo shoots had, in fact, been a source of trauma, and I have yet to deal directly with them.  I was able about a year ago to reach into my mind to the place where the nonverbal effects of the trauma lie and use oil pastels to depict my emotions surrounding these photo sessions, but so far, I have not talked much about them. 

As I did the art work, I remembered "Shadow Girl," the little gray girl hiding under the table on which I was made to pose.  She was my friend, a part of me, and I knew she would be there with me and wouldn't leave. She loved  me. I could depend on her in a way I could not depend on my parents. It was Shadow Girl who protected me from my parents during the photo sessions and who has protected me ever since. She was there for me when nobody else was.  She is still with me, and I am just now, at age 72, getting to know her. 

The photograph at the top of this essay is the only remaining photo taken during the "naked" sessions.  Note the forced smile.  Below is my depiction of the photo sessions, the art work I did in my attempt to capture the pre-verbal memory.  Note the little Shadow Girl beneath the table. It was not until I did this drawing in 2010 that I remembered Shadow Girl.