I'm Healing--But How Do I Know?

Ever experienced the sudden unblocking of your sinuses and nasal passages?  One minute, it feels impossible to take a breath and then suddenly the head clears and breathing is so easy, amazingly easy.  What a relief! 

Well, yesterday I had that same sense of relief, but my relief was totally unrelated to my sinuses or my breathing.  Rather, my relief was related to suddenly becoming aware that after all my hard work in therapy, I am healing.  And how do I know that?

In previous posts, I have mentioned that my PTSD symptoms--flashbacks, space-outs, numbing, and so forth--have faded into the background.  No longer do they bother me during a normal day.  Before I began seeing my present therapist, these symptoms made my life miserable every day, especially if I left my apartment and traveled on public transportation.  Whenever I was around a lot of people, an unavoidable situation in a big city like Portland, the symptoms reared their heads.  Only if I stayed in my quiet apartment could I avoid them.  Sometimes they recurred even in my own apartment, depending on what was happening in my day.

Well, I'm a fighter, and the thought of being stuck inside my apartment, a prisoner of  PTSD symptoms, made me angry, particularly when I considered the fact that the symptoms appeared as a result of traumas inflicted upon me by other people!  I realized that when I limited my life in order to avoid the PTSD symptoms, I was still, in a sense, letting myself be victimized by people from my past, including my own parents and my former husband.

Thus, I have dedicated the past few years to my therapy and to doing everything I can to alleviate my PTSD symptoms.  Realistically, I recognize the impossibility of completely eradicating the symptoms, for PTSD symptoms occur when the brain tries to protect itself.  However, I have managed to reach the point where I don't experience the symptoms unless I am under a lot of psychic stress.  If I manage the stress, I manage the symptoms.  I credit my work in Ego State Therapy for getting me to this state.

Yesterday, however, I experienced another sign that my psyche is healing.  For a long time I have considered visiting a psychic/intuitive to learn how to use my intuition more effectively.  I had not taken this step, though, because the thought of doing so has scared me.  The abreactions, flashbacks, space-outs I have experienced due to trauma damage have scared me, and the thought of venturing into any psychic territory that might be remotely related to my PTSD experiences has caused me to avoid acknowledging my intuitive powers.  This, despite the fact that my intuitive powers have helped me heal!  In fact, they have been the primary factor in my healing.  So why would I not want to explore this part of myself?  Fear of the unknown can be crippling.

Frankly, I'm a pretty average person, or so I've believed.  Society as a whole seems to snicker in disbelief and not respect those who claim to have "powers," and I have bought into this attitude--for myself, at any rate.  Where other people are concerned, I have believed that what they did regarding this sort of thing was their business. Always nagging at me, though, has been the sense that ignoring this part of my being could be "the blue screen of death"--an error that I would regret forever and could never be corrected. 

But yesterday that all changed: A friend suggested that I make an appointment to attend a class given by a local psychic, and I felt no fear.  The purpose of the class is to help me utilize my own intuitive powers to identify my spiritual guide or guardian angel and to get a glimpse of my potential as a human being.  I want to do that!  I really want to do that!  I want to grow beyond the psychic boundaries my PTSD has put in place and develop my psychic and intuitive powers in any way possible.  I want to develop as a human being in ALL ways possible! 

When I realized that the fear had disappeared, suddenly evaporated, I asked this question:  Why, suddenly, does going to a psychic to learn more about myself and to learn more about my intuitive powers seem so natural and nonthreatening?  My answer:  Because that place in my psyche where I was so afraid is now healing!  My hard work and efforts are being rewarded!  I am becoming a whole person, able to face getting in touch with places in my psyche that have hitherto been too scary to even acknowledge. 

This discovery, this evidence of my healing, dear readers, is just now beginning to sink in and become real.  What amazing creatures we humans are!  And the way I see this matter, if I can do it, others can do it!  We each heal in our own way and in our own time, of course, but I'm so glad I have dedicated this part of my life to becoming whole and to undoing the damages inflicted upon me by others.  My fervent hope and prayer for you is that you, too, will have and will take the opportunity to heal and become whole! 

To put all this in the vernacular:  Don't let those bastards from your past continue to keep you down!  As a famous Scotsman named Braveheart once shouted while in the thick of battle:  FREEDOM!!   Go for it!!    And here's an ancient Scottish blessing to help you along the way . . .

Be ye our angel unawares
If after Kirk ye bide a wee,
There's some would like to speak to ye,
If after Kirk ye rise and flee
We' all seem cauld and still to ye.
The one that's in the seat with ye
Is stranger here than ye, maybe.
All here have got their fears and cares,
Add ye your soul unto our prayers,
Be ye our angel unawares.

(Ancient Scottish/Celtic Blessing)

My own rough translation:

Be you our angel unawares. . .

If after church you stay a while,

There are people who would like to speak to you.

If after church you rise and hurry off,

We'll all seem cold and silent in your memory.

The one who is sitting next to you

May be more of a stranger than you.

All here have their own fears and troubles,

So add your soul to our prayers, and

Be you our angel unawares.

(The ancient Celts were believers in hospitality and the value of being kind to strangers.  They survived hard times by sticking together and helping one another.  That's what life is all about--"aboot" as they would have said.  They didn't have iPods, laptops, and other personal communication devices--they had to be present to one another in order to survive!  Present-day society could learn from the ancient Celts.)