If you have
been following my posts, you know that I’m entering the EMDR phase of my
therapy. In my previous post, I told you
about the damage done by an inept therapist, a person who did not follow the
protocol for properly using the EMDR modality.
I’m finding that the damage from her bungling was more extensive than I
thought because now I am very anxious about starting EMDR, and that anxiety is
slowing me down.
One of the
steps a client takes in the preparation process for EMDR is to decide upon a
“safe place” where the person can feel a sense of protection and safety if he
or she begins to feel overwhelmed. This
safe place is in the client’s imagination and is not a physical place usually,
although it probably could be. I have
chosen my “safe place,” so that step has been completed.
Another
step the client and therapist take is to decide upon a method for delivering
the bilateral stimulation of EMDR. (For
an explanation of this, please see the EMDR web site client pages listed in my
previous post.) I have chosen to sit
with my hands, palms up, on my knees so that my therapist can tap on the palms
of my hands. I chose this method because
it least resembles the high tech method used by the previous therapist. I anticipate that as I sit and review a
traumatic event in my mind, the bilateral tapping by my therapist will cause my
right brain to release some of the highly-charged emotions from the
trauma. I know this simple modality
is effective, as I mentioned in my previous post. Now I need to take the next step, allowing
myself to engage actively in EMDR.
Now, staring at reality, the fact that technically I have completed the steps of preparation, I’m scared. Why? Because my mind can’t get past the horrible
reaction I had to my last botched experience with EMDR. If this is, indeed, the reason why I’m
dragging my feet, then how will I get beyond the fear? I don’t know. What I do know, though, is that if I can't get comfortable with the prospect of EMDR by Monday, my therapist will help me. Simply knowing that she can and will help me takes the edge off my fear and dials the intensity down a few degrees.
In the
meantime, I have to live my life. I have
writing to do and computer problems to solve.
What I will do this weekend is tell my mind to work on the EMDR problem
in the background as I go about my real-world tasks in the foreground. My ability to do this is a skill I have used
for years. You can do this, too, if
necessary. Just imagine that your mind
is a computer, and run your right brain in the background much as you might
have Chrome or Internet Explorer running in the background as you type an
article in M.S. Word. Your right brain
is actively working to do its task, but you are not necessarily aware of
this. You are, however, aware that your
left brain is solving a printer problem, trying to find the best way to word
the second sentence in the introductory paragraph of an article, and trying to
figure out why the toaster oven spews smoke when you turn it on.
Eventually,
your right brain will let you know that it has solved your problem. Maybe you will find the solution in a
dream. When this happens, you will wake
up in the morning, and you will simply know what you need to do and why you
need to do it. Maybe your right brain
will whisper the answer to your question as you watch television or at another
moment when you are in a light trance state.
I do, however, practice one specific technique that often quickly but gently brings about at least partial resolution to an anxiety-producing situation: I write through a problem--just as I am doing now. And when I write, I ask questions and answer them in order to create the text in my article. I use what I assume is my logical left brain to ask the questions, and from somewhere in my mind, the commonsense replies enter my awareness. See the following as an example:
My question to myself: If I consider the process of my
therapy as a whole, is the foot-dragging caused by my fear of entering this new
part of my therapy a huge problem?
My reply to myself: While it may seem like a huge problem
to me at this moment, the foot-dragging is really just one tiny part of the
whole process.
When I think of my
process of recovering from C-PTSD as a whole, then, I can see this small part, the fear and foot-dragging, as simply another minor glitch as
I move forward.
“Minor glitches” are
easy! I can deal with minor glitches! I have dealt successfully with a lot of minor glitches. If I can keep that fact in mind,
then by Monday I will be or may be ready and eager to take the next step.
Now that I have finished writing the material above and answering my question about foot-dragging and minor glitches, I
have recovered my perspective! I may receive more insights that will make overcoming the fear even easier, but right now I am confident that on Monday I will do what I need to do and enter my first session of EMDR with my present therapist. However, if on Monday I cannot comfortably do this work, I will do it another time. As you can see, writing through a problem is one amazing
method for regaining your equilibrium and centering yourself.
For
inspiration, here are a few words from a famous Scotsman, Thomas Carlyle
(1795-1881):
“Go as far
as you can see; when you get there you'll be able to see farther”
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